(Our MSTers are seen searching the satellite for an unknown object; RB is on her knees, looking under tables, Dapikkel is opening cupboards, and Benit is pulling stuff out from between the couch cushions.)

Benit: Map of Moscow... Larry the Pus-Filled Boil figurine... a Neo-Geo Pocket Colour... how long have we been living here? And whose stuff is this?

RB: *raises her head* Uh, don't ask me... things are better than before, though. If only I could find a copy of Bust-a-Move, then this would be heaven. And time really slips by when you're having fun\lazing around... like, uh...

Benit: Like a sugar trip? (motions towards Dapikkel, who looks very dizzy)

RB: Yeah, like that. (to Dapikkel) Any progress?

Dapikkel: Nope. Still haven't found your Silhouette Mirage CD.

RB: Well, keep at it!

Benit: If it helps, I think I found one down the couch. (jerks her thumb at an obscenely large pile of miscellaneous objects by the chair) It's somewhere in there.

RB: Ooh! Junk diving! (leaps in; Dapikkel walks over from checking cupboards and sits beside Benit on the couch. He begins singing.)

Dapikkel: (singing) Well, I never hoist the mainsail, and I never swap the poop deck, and I never veer to starboard 'cause I never sail at all, and I never I've never walked the gangplank, and I've never owned a parrot, and I've never been to Boston in the fall!

Benit: Hey, yeah -

Benit & Dapikkel: (singing in harmony) We're the pirates who don't do anything! We just stay home and lie around! And if you ask us to do anything, we'll just tell you...

MVOL: (voice bursts out of nowhere) Huh?! What are you talking about? What does a rooster and mashed potatoes have to do with being a pirate?

Dapikkel: (speaking) Hey, that's right! We're supposed to be talking about pirating things!

RB: (speaking) Oh.

MVOL: And who's ever kissed a chipmunk? That's just nonsense! Why even bring it up? Am I right? (to Dapikkel) What do you think?

Dapikkel: I think you look like Captain Crunch.

MVOL: (angry) What? No, I don't!

Dapikkel: Do too!

MVOL: Do not!

Dapikkel: You're making me hungry.

MVOL: That's it, you're watching the fanfic!

Dapikkel: Says who?

MVOL: Says the Cap'n, that's who!

Dapikkel: Oh, yeah? Aye aye, Captain Crunch! (giggles)

MVOL: Grr...

Dapikkel: Yikes! (jumps out of his spot on the couch just as a bolt of electricity hits it, then quickly sits down)

RB: And I've never licked a spark plug, and I've never sniffed a stink bug, and I've never painted daisies on a big red rubber ball, and I've never bathed in yogurt and I don't look good in leggings...

Benit: You just don't get it...

All but MVOL: And we've never been to Boston in the fall!

Benit: Pass the chips! (RB passes her some from inside the junk pile) Who's got the remote control?

RB: (grabs the remote, which is lying beside her, and hands it to Benit) Here it is!

Dapikkel: Time for Geraldo!

MVOL: It's definitely time for a fanfic.

Dapikkel: Oh... I don't like that show.

RB: Hey, look! I found a quarter!

MVOL: Dangit, just get in! Oh, and here's your guest - Samantha.

Dapikkel: But... how come all of these randomly selected people are people I know?

MVOL: Uh... here's your guest!

(amidst strobe light and disco ball effects aplenty, a female teenager with heavily beaded hair materializes in the middle of the room, singing)

Samantha: We are the pirates-

RB: Sorry, we just finished...

Samantha: Drats. Dapikkel's satellite, right? Well, I'm-

Benit: Samantha, we know. Our Mysterious Voice told us.

Samantha: Don't tell me, you just finished the fic?

Benit: You wish. It's not begun...

MVOL: It's about to! Called "Hello, Princess, Welcome to Alexander", by The Great Em Girl. A Final Fantasy Nine fic.

Dapikkel: But... isn't it Alexandria? Or are they talking about the GF/Esper/Summon/Eidolon?

RB: And what about the name? I mean, why Em, E-M? Wouldn't the letter be easier to type?

Samantha: Let's just go...

Benit: Can this Em Girl really be so great? I've never heard of her-

Samantha: NOW. (drags all the others to the door sequence)

FAMILIAR OLD Door Sequence

Door #1: (is a metal one with a complex-looking combination lock with five dials. Dapikkel twists them all around at the same time, and the door hisses out air and opens)

Door #2: (is guarded by Metaknight. Benit scoops him out of the way with her glaive, and the four continue)

Door #3: (is a drawbridge-style one, guarded by Sorcerer Drunk from Bust-A-Move. RB whispers something to him, and he rushes to lower the drawbridge. The group enter)

Door #4: (is guarded by a woman with a chess set in front of her. Samantha breaks the board over her head and opens the door for the rest)

Dapikkel: And let's bounce! (starts bouncing from seat to seat)

Samantha: ... (gestures at Dapikkel) Is he always this way?

RB: Always.

Benit: And here comes the fic... steel yourself... okay, it's here now.

Hello Princess, Welcome to Alexander!

RB: Hey, they know who I am!

Disclaimer- I don't own FFIX.

Benit: Or you wouldn't be writing fanfics about it.

If I did then Steiner would be SO much cooler. Please don't sue me!

Samantha: (Square employee) Like, oh my God! She, like, said Steiner should be cooler! Sue her!

Dapikkel: (zombie/Square employee) Sue... suuue... heeer...

A/N- AHA! The ONLY Dagger/Steiner fic in existence!

All: ...

Benit: Garnet... Steiner... romance?

Dapikkel: Strange...

Hey, don't look at me like that! This is G rated! That means no romance.

RB: Then what's the point of making it Dagger/Steiner?

(At least not the kind you filthy minded fans were thinking of.)

Benit: That's more just sex.

Takes place when Dagger first arrives at Alexander. (meaning she's 6 and a half)

Samantha: Romance at six and a half?

Dapikkel: That's one heckuva love life.

Again, Steiner is the Steiner from my AU version of FFIX. So, chalk any OOCness up to that.

Benit: Or just the fact that you're a bad fanfic author.

RB: Nah, this's her excuse.

Garnet sniffled as she ran down a hall. This place was so unfamiliar to her. She was so confused.

Dapikkel: I am so bored.

If she had lived here all her life then why was she lost?

Samantha: Good question... Alzheimer's?

RB: At six?

Samantha: Six and a half. Besides, look at her love life...

Her nurses said it was because of her illness. Garnet didn't believe them. No illness made nightmares about giant red eyes.

Benit: ...yeah. Yeah, that's right.

RB: Only "no TV and no beer" do that.

Elephant lady and noble man had said so.

Dapikkel: Oh, suuure. Trust elephant lady and noble man. Like they've ever done anything for you.

Garnet froze. She had heard something. Yelling. Like in her nightmare. Voices giving forth agonized wailing and moans. A town being burned to the ground. A giant red eye gazing down straight at her.

Samantha: (Garnet) I can hear the eye... it's watching me... I can hear it watching... make it stop watching...

The black haired girl started panting. She blankly stared wide-eyed at a wall.

Benit: (Garnet/Wayne of Wayne's World) Ooo! Tubular! Blank waaall! No red eye addeeed! Sa-weeet!

Dapikkel: SCORE! (Dapikkel and Benit high-five)

Her mind was on a different continent entirely. And that's how Adelbert Steiner, newly made Captain of the Knights of Pluto, found her.

Dapikkel: (Steiner) Well, hello, small child. How are you today?

RB: (Garnet) ...

Dapikkel: (Steiner) What's this? My God, young woman! Where's your mind?

RB: (Garnet, singing) ...I left my brain in San Francisco... (suddenly stops) Just like the T-shirt says!

Dapikkel: (Steiner) I used to wear this T-shirt that said to burn things...

Garnet could vaguely hear a voice. It was male. It was also worried.

Samantha: (Garnet) My mind's on another continent, dumbbell, how'm I supposed to answer you?!

{No,} she wailed. {No make it go away. Please make it go away.}

RB: (Garnet, singing) I am really scared, just make it go away-y...

She was wailing in a way she had mostly forgotten. She didn't care. She just wanted the eye to go away.

Dapikkel: (eye, singing) Nobody likes me, everybody hates me, think that I'll go away...

Steiner drew in a harsh gasp of air. The little girl had spoken the way Eidolons spoke.

Benit: (Steiner) Oh my God! She spoke in SQUIGGLY BRACKETS!

{Make what go away?} he asked.

Samantha: Steiner must be an Eidolon too!

{The eye! The terrible red eye!}

RB: (Steiner) Yeees, it's alllways the eye, isn't it...

{It is all right, little one. I am here.}

Dapikkel: (Steiner) And I'll never let you go.

Benit: And here I was, trying to forget about that paragraph...

Garnet was aware of arms surrounding her. Warm, strong, safe arms. Arms that dispelled all her fears. Arms, the eye couldn't touch.

All: ENOUGH WITH THE ARMS ALREADY!

{I won't let the eye get you. I promise.} The voice whispered in her mind. Moreover, Garnet believed it. She could not image anything breaking through those arms.

RB: (Garnet) The arrrms... the arrrms...

Slowly, Garnet became aware of the outside world. She blinked at the armor in front of her nose.

Dapikkel: (Garnet) Ooo... shinyyy...

"Wha?" she mumbled.

Samantha: It's armor. Wow. Now SHUT UP.

"Please, allow me to introduce myself." The voice rumbled.

Benit: (Steiner, singing) Please allow me to introduce myself, I'm a man of wealth and taste, I've been around for a long, long year... uh... what comes next?

The girl looked up at a gently smiling face.

Dapikkel: (Garnet) Pedro von Hasselhoff the Third Esquire, Master Barber, Hairdresser, and Fabulous Stick Bundle Impersonator. Hah! Beat that, Captain of the Pluto Knights!

Benit: (Steiner) (hangs head) How did you get so many...

"I'm Sarah!" Garnet chirped. She then blinked and shook her head. That was not right.

Samantha: Well, duh. It says your name is Garnet right next to your quote!

"Hello, Sarah. Did you know Sarah means princess?"

Dapikkel: No way!

RB: Time to do some extensive research to see who's right... (flips a coin) Dapikkel is.

Dapikkel: Hah!

Garnet giggled and shook her head no.

Benit: Neither did we...

"Well, it does! Are you lost princess?" the knight said.

Samantha: (Garnet) Heeheeheeheeheenodheeheeheeheenodheeee...

"Well, we're just have to find you're parents then!" Steiner proclaimed.

Dapikkel: (Garnet) Excuse me, Sir, didn't you go to a half-decent grammar school?

"Oh, good you found her!" a new voice said.

Benit: Thank God for plot contrivances!

RB: Ooo, this story's heating up now... lots of steamy romance-

Benit: DON'T GO THERE.

Steiner turned and stared at Queen Brahne.

Samantha: (Steiner) ...you got somethin' hangin' outta your nose.

"My queen?" he asked quite puzzled.

Dapikkel: Who, QUEEN Brahne? No!

Brahne nodded at Garnet. "You found my daughter. Excellent job, err...."

Samantha: (Brahne) ...what was that plot contrivance god's name again?

"Captain Steiner, your majesty."

Samantha: (Brahne) Yeah, him. 'Scuse me while I go and pray.

Steiner stood and bowed to Garnet. "Good day princess. I hope to see you soon." He turned to leave.

Benit: (Brahne) Hey, where the heck you going? I hired you four hours ago!

RB: (Steiner/Monty Python person) I have to tell you something... I never wanted to be a Pluto Knight. I wanted to be... a LUMBERJACK! Leaping from tree to tree as they float down the rivers of British Columbia... the giant redwood... the larch... the fir... the mighty Scotch pine-

Benit: (Brahne) Fine, leave. (pointing at Dapikkel) She'll be my Captain.

Dapikkel: (Garnet/Eric Cartman) Really? Ah have authoritah?

Benit: (Brahne) Yes, Garnet, you have authority. And people have to respect it.

Samantha: Okay, let's stop this gigantic ref right now.

"Wait!" Garnet yelled. She bite her lip when he stopped, "Would you like to play with me?" she asked.

RB: (Steiner) In more ways than one-

Benit: Ew, stoppit...

Steiner turned back to the princess, "It would be my pleasure Princess." He answered.

Benit: DON'T say ANYTHING.

Brahne blinked then shrugged, "All right, Captain. From now on you can guard her." She bent down and patted Garnet's head "Have fun my daughter." With that, she left.

Dapikkel: Well, that seemed random enough.

Steiner waited until the queen was out of sight. Then he scooped up Garnet and twirled her around.

Samantha: (Steiner) The queen mustn't see me twirl you!

"Well, my little Princess, what shall we do today?" He laughed.

RB: (Steiner/Pippi Longstocking, singing) What shall we do today, what shall we do today...

Dapikkel: AUGH NO STOP IT

"Hide 'n' seek!" Garnet squealed happily. Maybe this unfamiliar place wasn't so bad.

Benit: She thought, until she realized she was lost half an hour later.

"As you command!" Steiner said. He ran of to the garden, still carrying Garnet.

Samantha: "Of to" the garden... that makes no sense!

He couldn't stop grinning. His master had finally come. Just a few more years. Then he could go find his sisters. He could wait. Till, then he would play hide and go seek.

Dapikkel: (Steiner) Hmm, my to-do list for today... till the royal fields, play hide and go seek... stop grinning...

RB: (gasps) His sisters? We finally get a bit of plot?

Benit: (sadly) No, it's too late now. The fic's almost over.

RB: So that was kinda shock therapy?

Benit: Yeah.

Garnet hugged Steiner's neck. She had finally found a friend. She quickly decided to get him to take a bath. He stank!

RB: (Garnet) ALL righty, off to the showers, Pepe!

Benit: (Steiner) Yeees, Maaaster...

The End...For Now.

Samantha: That's it?

Benit: He's usually a lot worse than that... maybe he wanted to annoy us quick and easy-like.

RB: Well, I'll come out blowing bubbles... (pulls out a bubble wand)

(the group breaks into the room, which is empty. RB blows a bubble, which pops against the ceiling, and everything falls from the ceiling into the room)

RB: See! I saved you all!

Dapikkel: What would we do without you...

MVOL: Okay - hey, where's all my stuff?

Samantha: They stole it.

MVOL: But - who would think to blow bubbles?

RB: Here! (waves her hands)

MVOL: I suppose it'd be too much to ask to have one of you go insane.

Benit: Sorry.

Samantha: I go now, ri-

(Samantha is transported away)

Dapikkel: Well, let's lie down and play Black and White, or FFIX, or something...

Benit: Too... much... choice... like... Mr. Sub...

Dapikkel: (tosses her a Twix) You better get to work now.

Benit: (salutes) Yes, sir!

RB: Shush, I can't hear my CD.

Dapikkel: (waits about thirty seconds expectantly) Hey, where're the credits?

Benit: I sacked 'em. MVOL will just screw 'em up if I kept 'em there.

Dapikkel: Well, at least keep the neat hang glider swooshy-thing...

Benit: (sighs) Okay...

(a red-and-orange striped hang glider zooms across the screen, turning it black)